


I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin

by renecdote



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Detective Comics (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Detective Comics #966, Gen, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-12
Updated: 2017-10-12
Packaged: 2019-01-16 08:16:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12338892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renecdote/pseuds/renecdote
Summary: There’s one particular thing Tim’s future self said that he can’t stop thinking about.





	I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin

**Author's Note:**

> A little drabble that wouldn’t leave me alone after reading Detective Comics #966. The parts in italics and quotation marks are direct quotes from the comic, said by future Tim.
> 
> For mood music I would recommend ‘Monster’ by Skillet (also where the title comes from).

“Drake is avoiding me. I have tried to be… nicer. Better. But my attempts have been ignored. I do not understand why. Does he really hate me that much?”

There is an edge of hurt beneath the calmly delivered words that feels like a knife being twisted in Tim’s chest. He and Damian never got along, never spent much time together, never bothered to even try to be anything but antagonistic toward each other. But somehow, those words, admitted to Dick in the privacy of Damian’s bedroom, with the expectation that no one passing would stop to eavesdrop… Those quiet, unbelievably childlike words make Tim feel incredibly guilty.

He wants to reveal himself, take those two or three steps that will place him in the room, apologise for being a complete aresehole. Because Damian had actually been polite to him after his return, had even sought out his company once or twice, had asked to spar with no ill intentions. Had all but admitted he missed him. And once upon a time Tim would have been hesitant but accepting of the attempts to forge some kind of positive sibling relationship, even if it was only to secure another ally. But that was before. Before he knew what he would become. What he would do to this prickly child who was forced to grow up too fast.

“I'm toxic!” he wants to scream. “You don't want to be brothers or friends or even allies with me because I'm going to destroy you! I'm going to-”

_I’m going to kill you._

_I’m going to murder you._

He always chokes on that final admission, even though the words are only in his mind. He can't bear to say them aloud, not even whispered to himself in the darkness of a Gotham night. As though giving voice to what his future self had blatantly alluded to will make it real. As though as long as he shoves the words to the back of his mind, doesn't think about the nightmares that don't let him sleep, it won't come true.

_“Some points in the timeline are **fixed** , Tim. Some choices are made **for** you.”_

“Tim doesn't hate you,” Dick tells Damian, soft and reassuring. The kind of tone Tim had wished to hear while he was locked in Mr Oz’s prison, the kind of tone that is so very Dick it makes his heart ache. “He's just having a hard time adjusting to being back. Just give him some time, he'll come around.”

And Tim remembers: _“Dick Grayson's story doesn't end in Gotham.”_ Dick is going to move away, settle down, start a family. And Jason will already be gone by that point, battling assassins across the globe, so it will just be Tim and Damian in Gotham. There'll be no big brother to mediate their arguments, to force them to spend time together, to teach them how to get along. _Tim_ will be the big brother.

It's a frightening thought. Almost as frightening as what he does with that power. Because Tim knows how his brain works, future self or otherwise; he knows that he'll play the sibling card, reach out, say he wants them to get along better because Gotham is their responsibility now and they can't take care of her if they can't take care of each other. Damian will be missing Dick, missing family, he'll show up for a joint patrol. And then-

Tim pushes the thought away with a vicious shake of his head. It makes him feel sick but he can't stop thinking about it. Can't stop seeing scenarios playing out every time he closes his eyes.

_“I win my fights because I plan for every possible outcome.”_

Damian wouldn't be prepared for it, wouldn't have a chance to counteract any of the hundred ways it could go down. He wouldn't be expecting the betrayal, not from Tim. Especially not if he and Tim had repaired their relationship, had learnt how to be family.

So if Tim doesn't think about the possible outcomes, doesn't repair his relationship with Damian, doesn't give him a reason not to expect betrayal… Maybe everything can be okay. Maybe he can save Damian from his future self. Maybe.

(Maybe not.)

He hears the sound of muffled footsteps from Damian’s bedroom but doesn't move. He's not sure he could push away from the wall and make himself act normal, like he wasn't unashamedly eavesdropping, even if he cared to.

Dick steps into the hallway, closes the door behind him and meets Tim's eyes. There are strained lines across his forehead and a sad twist to his lips. He looks so much older and more weary than he had in the memories Tim dredged up to keep him company in his cell.

_I put those lines there,_ Tim thinks, _I put that twist there. I etched that age and weariness and sadness into his skin._

_I ruin everyone._

_I’m toxic._

Dick opens his mouth and Tim turns away. He doesn't want to hear the rebuke or reassurance or concern or whatever it is Dick has to say. He doesn't deserve the breath Dick would be wasting on him.

_“I did what I always do, Tim. I did what was **necessary**.”_

He's just doing what is necessary. They don't have to like it, they don't have to understand it, but it has to be done. Tim has to save everyone from himself.

Even if he loses everyone in the process.


End file.
